I have broken off from my present narrative to write a reply to certain remarks and criticisms that have come my way over the airwaves. Perhaps criticism is the wrong word – rather say comments – or maybe accusations.
Lets just call it communication.
The bottom line to all this communication is that, these fine people have weighed, measured, judged and found me guilty of being a woman of loose morals. That sounds better than coming straight out and calling me a slut.
Thanks to Mr A, Ms B, Ms C and of course Mr D.
I suppose I’ve been expecting something like this for some time. People have strong views on adultery, and they have it seems stronger views on people who talk about the adulterous deeds they’ve done, are doing, or might do.
Having re-read every word of the blogs I’ve written (post the last batch of mail from certain people), I must point out that I have categorically not claimed that adultery is a good idea, and I do not hold the opinion that adultery is a happy or desirable life choice. For me it was like stumbling and falling down a smooth sided well with no ledges or ladders on which to halt my descent, or climb back out. Does that show a weakness in my character? Yes, I suppose it does.
I am I admit, terminally flawed.
Has my continuing adulteries improved my marriage? No it hasn’t.
Has it harmed it? Probably.
Someone wrote that even though my husband is ignorant that his wife is a cheating slut, and that he may never ever discover it, that my marriage is broken. Some days when I am at my lowest, I definitely agree.
Who has benefited from my philandering? I suppose I have. As have those of you for whom my blog is merely entertainment and perhaps a source of harmless titillation.
One of the messages said, and I quote, “…screw around if you have to, but please don’t burden the world with the details. All you are doing is justifying the dirty deed and making the simple minded think that it is alright to follow your example…..”
Yes there are those who feel that people of my ilk are destroying the institution of marriage, by making serial adultery seem like a joyful, harmless wheeze. I wish I had a logical and well thought out answer to that accusation.
I suppose the best way to demonstrate how I feel about it, is to give this warning to those who, for whatever reason, might follow my path; Adultery leads to a pile of conflicting emotional shit that never really goes away, no matter how much therapy you get, or how often you are told that you have to forgive yourself. It is far easier to say you forgive a cheater, than to actually do it. Trust once lost, is generally gone forever.
I know, I’ve seen some shit.
I may be a fool, but I am not fool enough not to realise the risk I’ve run. I worry that I’ll do something, forget something, say something… or that someone will discover my secrets and bring my entire house of cards tumbling down.
I do admit to a certain naivety – like most people who live a lie – I kid myself into believing that I am wise enough and smart enough navigate the labyrinth of deceit and subterfuge, and will somehow avoid the pitfalls that wait round every corner.
As I’ve said from the beginning, I wasn’t one of those wives who can cry that their husbands don’t love them or didn’t fuck them any more. I didn’t spend years stewing in a loveless bed, to finally fall onto the cock of the first man to pay me a complement.
I don’t feel myself to be some sort of devil prophet preaching to the multitude. This blog was and remains a way of documenting what I’ve done, in order for me to try to rationalize and perhaps understand the reasons behind my aberrant behaviour.
I’m long past blaming the first man who took me to bed when I was hardly able to understand, or resist what was happening. He may have been in the wrong, but I recall that he too was behaving under the influence of drink and drugs. What followed after that first time was consensual, and done in the full realization that I was elongating a sin against my marriage. But I was already on the treadmill.
I did, do, and will always have a feeling that I’ve lost that innocence and pristine one-man-ness that most husbands want their wives to have. I am to blame, and I’ll always carry that shame, that guilt, that feeling that I’ve forever tarnished something that was so perfect.
It is hard for me to get across to someone who has never shared a bed with multiple semi-anonymous men, that there is a world of difference in the kind of loving and tenderness that comes from someone who you know loves you completely and without reserve. It is even harder to explain the waves of affection that flow from me, when my husband claims and enters me, which is entirely different to the animal heat that describes the kind of sex I got with those men who have used my body. And whose body I used in return.
“…he would have every right to despise you…..” someone wrote.
“……how would you feel if you discovered that he was in fact cheating on you……?”
Answer – devastated.
Would I understand and forgive him? I don’t know. Probably…….. not.
That makes me a hypocrite. But I’m not perfect. Or even near perfect. But I wouldn’t expect forgiveness from him if he ever discovered even one of my many secrets.
Finally, I don’t expect empathy or understanding from anyone who stumbles on this blog. In fact I would be surprised if there is anything other than criticism, scorn and derisory comments.
Yes, you guessed it….I often wallow in a slime-pit of self pity. Are you really surprised?